Loop
by Aimi-chan
Summary: Shepard meets the Catalyst and is given three choices. Shepard makes a choice, and this is what follows. A take on one ending from Mass Effect 3 and what might have happened afterwards. Spoilers for all three games!


So, I upped this on my Blogger earlier today, but decided it was long enough and semi-oneshotish, so I decided to put it up here as well. I still hate the Mass Effect 3 ending, but I've started playing the multiplayer again, and when I thought about writing a multiplayer fanfic, I saw that I had this written from when I finished the game in March and wanted to write an explanation for the ending.

Anyways, here's my interpretation of the ending before the 'extended' whatever comes out from Bioware. Hopefully, the extension will be something that is truly worth the ME universe, because if not, I am seriously not buying another Bioware game.

Onto the story...

* * *

The Catalyst was watching from behind as Shepard limped toward her choice. It was plain in her mind. The Illusive Man had seen that the Reapers could be controlled, while the Catalyst had given her the choice to combine the synthetics with the organics, creating the apex of evolution for all races.

But Anderson. Dear old Anderson. The man who was more like a father to her than her real father. The man who'd looked out for her, who had given up not just the Normandy, but his pride and even his life, for her. He would have chosen to destroy. To end the conflict once and for all.

And Shepard agreed with him. He had helped shape her, after all. She would destroy the reapers, even if it meant that she, along with all the other synthetics in the universe would perish. Countless teammates, soldiers, friends, even Garrus, had died trying to reach this point.

She would not let their sacrifice be in vain. And perhaps, when the reapers were gone, peace could finally be achieved by the galaxy. She did unite them all under one banner. Hopefully, it would stay that way.

Limping, she reached her destination. Her pistol steady in her hand as she pulled the trigger. Bam. Bam. Boom.

The last thing she remembered as she flinched back as the flames rose to devour her was Garrus, waiting for her at the bar above.

…

And gasp, she breathed inward. She could feel her ribs protesting. Some had broken under the impact, but what seemed to hurt the most was her arm. It was definitely broken. She lightly coughed, trying to clear her throat of char and debris without causing anymore pain to herself.

She struggled to sit up, but succeeded after a few attempts. Looking around, it was clear she was still in the Citadel. The Tower, to be exact.

Shepard frowned. How was she still alive? And was that a reaper shoved through the Tower structure? What had just happened?

Confused, she rose up, and began to hobble around. There was quite a bit of debris, collapsed walls, fallen concrete and what not to get around. She limped towards where the elevator would have been, when she heard people.

She didn't really hear them speak, but she heard their breathing, the minute shuffling of cloth. Adrenaline was probably still pumping in her veins. Slowly, half hoping it was a rescue party and not another reaper ambush, she made her way on top of a piece of fallen wall that was in between her and them.

Her eyes widened as she gazed at the scene below. There was Anderson. Alive. Along with Alliance soldiers, but the guns were a little outdated, and their uniforms, crisp, intact uniforms, not the battle wear they'd been wearing into battle.

And there was Wrex and Garrus. Alive. Wrex, she'd had no news of, and was unsure of his fate. But Garrus. Her beloved Garrus. The one who'd been with her from the beginning until the end. The bitter end, where he'd been killed trying to reach the beam. That Garrus. He was alive.

Was this heaven? Did the Alliance exist in heaven as well?

Her confusion must have shown on her face, as Anderson himself came to escort her down, supporting one side, as Garrus took up the other, regardless of his own injuries, both careful to not grip too tightly on her bruised and broken body.

"It's going to be okay."

Anderson was reassuring her. But of what? What was going to be okay? Were they sent to hell? The Alliance could exist in hell. Not heaven, surely, but hell, yes. God knew they didn't listen to any of the warnings she'd given.

So perhaps they were all sent there? For making those choices. For killing the geth, the very geth she'd help change. The geth that Legion had sacrificed himself for. Just the thought of the memory brought tears to her eyes.

And Thane. The atypical assassin. The best around. The one who'd prevented Kai Leng from completing his mission, even with Kepral's Syndrome. Even as he was dying. The one who'd died, helping her.

Then, there was Mordin. Oh, silly Mordin. You could never tell whether he was joking or not with his vids of interspecies sex, his advice on carrying out intercourse, but regardless, there was kindness there. Care, maybe even love. Not romantic, but definitely familial. And he'd given up his life to give the krogans a chance at that same familial love. He'd cured the genophage, but at the cost of his life. Alone, in the Shroud.

At least with the other two, she had been there, but Mordin, and Mordin alone, she had abandoned. Maybe that was why these people were haunting her. For her failures. For all the pain she'd wrought in the universe.

But hadn't she done some good? She'd destroyed the reapers, hadn't she? Or was the Catalyst wrong? Had it been tricking her? It was what controlled the reapers, so perhaps it had been controlling her as well. Even the Illusive Man had managed to stop her movements, and he'd been human. Was it a jump to think the Catalyst could control her mind?

Shepard was so absorbed in her thoughts, she didn't hear the clatter around her. In fact, she barely noticed how intact the Citadel was. It was only when they were standing in a makeshift med camp near the Tower that she realized something.

There were no bodies. The bodies of millions of dead humans, laid about like trash. And as she glanced down at her armor, or what remained of it, she realized it wasn't the same armor she'd been wearing when she'd headed out for battle.

More inconsistencies. The Destiny Ascension was still there, it had survived the battle, but strangely, there was very little damage done to it. And nearby, approaching her, was Tali and Liara and Kaidan, but no James. No Steve. No EDI. No EDI meant no Normandy, which would mean Joker was dead, except, there, limping near her was that familiar cap.

What was going on? And slowly, she began to tune into the conversation around her.

"Can't believe Saren actually led the geth to take over the Citadel!"

"And the reaper! Wasn't it called Sovereign? That was huge!"

"Took a 'hole lot of firepower to bring one down. Imagine a fleet!"

"How do ya think she survived? I heard she took the wreck head on!"

"A goddamn miracle!"

"She's a hero!"

"So?"

"Hero's have super powers, duh?"

Subconsciously, Shepard felt her lips quirk upwards at Joker's humor.

"Hey look, she's smiling!" And her face went blank again. She preferred not having their attention at the moment.

"Aw, look what you did!"

"Please, she's in a lot of shock, and she's lost a lot of blood. You need to give her space." That was the doctors hovering around her.

One approached, a needle in their hand. "We have to set your bones, not to mention remove all the shards from your body. This will put you to sleep for the surgery."

"Surgery? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, there's more damage inside then there is visible, but with today's technology...-," and the world faded away into black once more.

.x.x.

The next time Shepard awoke, it was to a white ceiling, various monitoring devices alongside the walls. The bed was comfortable, but the beeping that told her her heart was still beating was strange. She was still unsure of what had exactly happened.

Sighing, she decided to recap on what she remembered. The Crucible. The Illusive Man. Anderson. Hackett. The Catalyst. Three choices. She'd chosen destruction. Then, death.

She wasn't getting anywhere with this, so she pushed the matter out of her head. Instead, she focused on her body. She was in a lot less pain now compared to before. The bones seemed nearly healed, and most of the bruising had vanished.

Judging by how much she'd healed, she figured she had been out for a while, or that technology was very advanced, wherever this was.

Shepard glanced out the window, and before her was the Citadel. The Presidium was not in prime condition. In fact, there were a lot of rubble around, marring the once beautiful landscape. Some of which looked like a reaper.

But why just one? She was certain she'd wiped all reapers out from existence. And were those geth remains? But the geth had been on her side. Why would they be on the Citadel? It had been just her and Anderson, plus the Illusive Man.

Speaking of which, how had he made it onto the Citadel? Perhaps they'd allowed him in because he was indoctrinated? Because he wasn't a threat?

Confused by the scenary, Shepard turned to stare at the walls around her instead. The machinery was familiar. She'd seen quite a few in her frequent visits to Huerta Memorial, mostly to see Thane, occasionally Kaidan. She'd never quite forgotten how easily Kaidan had doubted her, especially when she'd given him no reason to. She understood it was because of his narrow mindset, because she'd been with Cerberus, but she had not changed, and until the end, he'd struggled to believe her.

And yet, even as he struggled, he still cared enough to protect her. So it had been easy to forgive him, but she would never love him. Not before, not now, not in the future. Only Garrus stood by her side. Only Garrus dropped everything for her. His job. His friends. His duty. For her.

Their's was a love that was still strange with human turian hostility still around here and there, but they'd fit together, even with their different forms. Like she was made for him and he for her. Awkward in the beginning, but perfect from then on.

And he was alive! Not dead. Which while it made her happy, made no sense. She was sure, certain, he'd died. That she would be joining him in heaven.

Had she somehow joined an alternate universe? Was she indoctrinated and fooled into thinking there was peace now? Had she chosen the wrong decision? Or was it the right one?

So many questions, with so little answers. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack, in the dark. Her mind, still so muddy from confusion and all the chaos that had been the last few moments of her life. Or was supposed to be the last few moments.

Taking a deep breath, Shepard looked for a clock. Knowing the time wasn't exactly useful for anything, but thinking about something, anything, other than her confusion was much better.

Luckily, there was a small clock beside her bed, and a calendar behind that.

Except, something was wrong with the calendar. In particular, the year. 2183.

Blinking and rubbing her eyes, Shepard looked again. 2183. Perhaps someone had forgotten to change the calendar?

The date seemed to revive some logic within Shepard as she remembered her omnitool. Quickly, she logged onto the extranet, and watched, somewhat alarmed, mostly horrified, as the date was confirmed. 2183.

What the hell-?

And like a flash, everything became clear in a single moment. Indoctrination. Saren. Sovereign. Her. It had all been a dream. Everything. Her romance with Garrus. Her friendship with her crew. Cerberus rebuilding her. Fighting the geth. Saving the geth. Destroying the Collectors on the suicide mission. Destroying the Alpha relay in batarian space. The reapers invading Earth, and the army she'd collected in response. All of it. A lie.

A very believable lie. She had been so sure it had been real. That she'd lived that life. But the date confirmed that it had not been true at all.

Oh, Ashley was still dead on Virmire. Ilos had happened, and the reapers were still coming. But not yet.

She had time to figure out a plan to fight back. To create an alliance of races to save the universe.

Shepard laid back down, suddenly exhausted. She'd managed it all before, in the dream. Where the oily shadows had invaded, trying to sink its claws into her mind like it had to Saren. To make her a tool for them. Except they had failed, but the dream had felt so real. And she did not have the energy to do it all over again.

She couldn't do it the same way, especially when she knew what deaths it would lead to. Not when she had a chance to save them all, but there was no guarantee that she'd get to destroy them the second time around...

Except there was no guarantee that her dream was the future either. She had dreamt of her future, but was it really the future? Probably not, especially if Sovereign had been attempting to indoctrinate her.

So then, there was no guarantee the Crucible existed either. Or that the Prothean beacon did in Thessia. And the Catalyst could be fake as well.

Which left her with what?

Nothing. She was running blindly into a future she knew nothing about. A future she had thought she'd lived, but had been a lie.

So what could she do?

And in that moment, Shepard thought she'd like to do nothing more than just lay down her arms and retire to a peaceful world somewhere, far away from all the politics, the dangers, the games people played with one another, countries at stake instead of money.

There was no guarantee that she could save the world. The reaper had only made her dream of such, perhaps to persuade her to their cause.

With another sigh, Shepard felt all the fight in her leak out. Even if it had been a dream, she'd invested too much of herself into that dream, and she just had no energy left.

And she fell asleep once more.

.x.x.

Two more weeks passed before Shepard awoke again, the mental stress too great for her to process.

When she woke up the second time, she wasn't alone. Surprisingly, or in her dream world, not so surprisingly, Garrus was at her side, looking over reports, probably for C-Sec. Shepard vaguely remembered encouraging Garrus to try life at C-Sec once more before trying out as a Spectre.

From the looks of it, he looked as if he was regretting joining C-Sec again. The frown, the furrow, it was all plain for her to see. Shepard tried to remember if her dream had been like this as well, when she'd awoken after the battle on the Citadel the first time, but failed to recall anything. The overall darkness of the battles covered much of her more inconsequential memories.

Still, it was strange. Here she was, full of love for this turian, when all he felt for her was respect, and perhaps friendship. It hadn't been until they were well into the mission against the Collectors that they'd acted on the chemistry between them.

Sighing out loud, Shepard realized that the chemistry between the two had a great chance of being a lie as well. A well thought out lie that could have influenced Shepard to their side had Garrus been a reaper as well. Sad for them, he was probably the most righteous among them, for all the right reasons, with just enough leeway to not get caught up on the unimportant things, unlike Kaidan... or that was how it had been in her dreams.

Ugh, all this comparison was making her head hurt, and it still didn't solve the problem that was bugging her at the moment. How was she supposed to deal with Garrus Vakarian? Her dream lover, literally.

But it seemed all the worries were for naught, as he turned to her and smiled, and for once, the galaxy felt right again.

They talked about everything, from her injuries to the aftermath of the battle with Sovereign.

"And Garrus, I think, Sovereign attempted to-to indoctrinate me." Shepard bit her lip at the admission. She hoped to God that she wasn't making a mistake here, but if there was anyone she trusted in the galaxy, it was Garrus. And Anderson. And perhaps Mordin as well. And even Thane. Hm... the dream was influencing her again.

"What? What do you mean?" Garrus looked alarmed, for good reason too.

"I... I had a dream, Garrus. A very long long dream. And it felt so real." Shepard could feel the tears forming, creating little streams down her cheek.

"It sounds crazy, but I dreamt of my future. Not like a vision, Garrus, nothing like the Prothean beacon," Shepard clarified. "It began after I defeated Sovereign, just like now, minus the indoctrination, and I lived nearly three years of my life in that dream Garrus, I dreamed that I was sent to fight geth after Sovereign was gone. Then, I died because the Collectors attacked, but we didn't know it was them at the time."

Garrus was alarmed, and hesitantly, reached out to grab Shepard's hand in support.

Shepard continued. "But Cerberus, that pro-human terrorist organization? They resurrected me. Called it Project Lazarus. Apparently, it made me partially synthetic, not that I realized until after I-we defeated the Collectors in a suicide mission after I gathered allies the Illusive Man helped gather. The Illusive Man, he's the leader behind Cerberus. But anyways, after we defeated the Collectors, you, me, Mordin, Thane, Samara, Tali, Legion, Grunt, Jack, Jacob, Miranda, Kasumi, Zaeed, and even Joker and EDI, I had to destroy the Alpha relay in batarian space. It killed a lot of batarians, mostly because I couldn't warn them in time, and I was sent back to Earth after that. Held in confinement for six months, until the reapers attacked Earth."

"You dreamt all this?"

"Yes, although it didn't feel like a dream then. Anyway, there was a mass struggle to gather an army while trying to build a weapon that could defeat the reapers. I had to find Palavan's new Primarch, cure the genophage for the krogan's, orchestrate peace among the geth and quarians, defeat Cerberus, while helping as many people as I could along the way, all the while gathering support to build the Crucible while trying to figure out what the Catalyst was. And in the end, I did, at the cost of everyone I cared about, and I chose to destroy the reapers from the choices the Catalyst gave me. And I thought I died, but here I am, still alive, back in time, free from indoctrination, I think." Shepard was a little winded after the long explanation.

"Wait a minute. Crucible? Catalyst? What are they?" Garrus looked understandably confused.

"The Crucible was this weapon to defeat the reapers, passed down from each cycle to the next in hopes that one of the cycles would complete it and destroy the reapers. The Catalyst..." Shepard hesitated, but the seriousness on Garrus's face made her continue.

"The Catalyst, we thought it was the Citadel because a prothean VI from Thessia told us it was the Citadel, but I later found out it was this little child. Or it looked like a little child to me. The same little child I failed to save on Earth. He, he was the Catalyst. The controller of the reapers. In fact, the Citadel was just an extension of him. And he told me that the reapers destroyed advanced civilizations because they would create synthetics that would destroy them, except the Catalyst was a synthetic itself."

Shepard noticed the confusion on Garrus's face. "Yeah, I realize it doesn't make much sense either, but it didn't give me a choice. Or more like, it gave me three choices. Combine the synthetics with the organics at the cost of just myself, control the reapers, also at the cost of me, or destroy all synthetics, geth and myself included. This, of course, is when I learned I was partially synthetic as well, mostly because Cerberus had to rebuild me."

For a long time, Garrus was silent, processing everything Shepard had told him, trying to see whether what she was saying was true or not, except, it was too complex, too detailed to be a lie. But then what? Had she really been indoctrinated? Was this what indoctrination was like? If so, it was no surprise Saren had given in.

So then, how had Shepard survived? And why had Saren not been wrapped up in whatever false future he was living? Or was it because he was still living? Was that why the indoctrination had been different? And in Shepard's case, from what the doctors had told them, it was a miracle she had been alive, especially from such direct impact, with so little damage, compared to what should have been, at least.

Had the indoctrination, the attempt to take over Shepard, somehow saved her life? And if so, was the future she lived the future that would occur? Or was the future still undecided? There were many things to ponder, but before that, he had someone to reassure.

"I believe you."

Shepard looked up from her daze. Recalling everything had confused her again. Would this happen every single time? Because it could turn out to be a liability. Perhaps that was a good enough excuse to retire. Mental instability.

Hmph. They would sooner place her in an asylum.

Eyes narrowed, doubt in her mind, she questioned Garrus. "How?"

Garrus smirked, and Shepard felt her heart melt into goo at the familiar sight. Thank God she had left out the romance between the two. "Shepard, I just helped you chase Saren around the galaxy, saw rachni, went through Ilos and saw a prothean VI, and defeated Saren and Sovereign. I would follow you into hell, Shepard. Of course I believe you."

I would follow you into hell.

Oh, how it echoed in her mind. Her Garrus had said the same thing.

"What?"

Shepard blinked. Had she said that out loud?

"You said something about your Garrus saying the same thing?"

Right, time to play it off. "Right. The dream Garrus, he also said the same thing about following me into hell. Of course, that was when we hit the suicide mission."

"Uh huh." Garrus was getting the feeling that Shepard was still hiding something.

"And... ahem. Dream Garrus and I was... well, sort of, in a relationship? Hehe." Shepard felt a blush come on, something that didn't happen easily, but in her fragile emotional and mental state, she had less control over her body's natural reflexes.

"I see." Garrus seemed to contemplate the notion. "I didn't know you were into aliens, Shepard. I mean, I knew you liked aliens unlike a lot of your species, but I didn't know you were attracted to them, us, turians."

"Heh, yeah. I think it was mostly just you. I mean, Thane was like the most awesome older brother figure, and Mordin was a quirky father figure, but I wasn't attracted to them, like I was with you anyways."

"Oh. Weellll, if I was going to be attracted to any human, it would probably be you. Just you."

Shepard felt a small bit of hope light up inside, before she squashed it. Not until she figured her own mind out first. "Thank you Garrus." Shepard smiled for the first time in a long while.

"No problem, Shepard. And feel free to admire me as much as you like."

"Right. I'm not fanning the flames to your ego anymore than necessary."

The two chuckled, happy to share a lighthearted moment amongst all the implications the dream could have on the future.

"Still, we should probably figure out whether that dream really is a vision of the future or not." Trust the turian in Garrus to set him back on track.

"I'm not sure what to do actually. We could just wait and see if I'm set to fighting geth on the Normandy, like in the dream."

Garrus frowned. "You died during that mission."

"Well, yeah," Shepard shrugged. "But Cerberus rebuilt me. Mind, it took two years, and you were off on Omega, being the Archangel and all, but still. Besides, those modifications made me sturdier."

"No."

"No? To what?"

"No to everything. You are not going on that mission."

"But Garrus, I'm a soldier. I have to follow orders."

"Not that one. If you get that mission, and you die again, there's still no guarantee that Cerberus is going to bring you back. And two years? What do you expect me to do for two years while you're being rebuilt?"

"Oh I don't know, give up on C-Sec, and go to Omega to clean out the criminals there while creating a kick ass team, minus one traitor, and end up making yourself famous and hated by all three major merc groups in the galaxy?"

"..." Garrus paused. "You're joking, right?"

"Nope," Shepard smiled. "It really happened, and I didn't even realize it was you until I rescued you. But then, you took a rocket to the face, and the scarring was pretty bad, but it did make you popular with the krogan women."

"You're joking now."

"Not one bit. Then, I took you into a quarantined zone where a plague was wiping out all species minus humans and vorcha to recruit Professor Mordin Solus, who thankfully had a cure and we had to fight through a horde of vorcha to administer the cure to Omega, and that's when we discovered the Collectors had been dispersing the virus."

Garrus shook his head before sighing.

"It's still a no."

"Aww, then, can I retire to some random uninhabited world somewhere?"

Smiling this time, Garrus retorted. "No. Well, not unless you take me with you."

Shepard grinned. "You and me, storming new planets, maybe making a nice bar somewhere near the beach. A haven from reality. But then, there won't be any adopted krogan babies."

Garrus groaned in response.

* * *

The End.

Sort of. My muse wanted to write an epic story of how things happened the second time around, the way I wanted it to, with a different story for the Reapers, and not the lame deus-ex machina cop-out Bioware used, but I couldn't find the motivation to play through ME2 and ME3 all over again to get my facts right, so this is where this story will end for now. I might do snippets on my Blogger, or I might not... but I will get my butt over to my Transformers fic today and post whatever I get written. xD


End file.
